There was a period of time when I was teaching that I was very unhappy and didn’t even realize it.
Is that hard to believe?
It is for me. The “me” I am now is so much more aware of her own feelings that it’s difficult to remember the “me” that ignored them entirely for years at a time.
This episode is actually inspired by one of the songs I’d listen to on repeat during my hour-long commute each day. Not every day, but there was a long stretch where it was - Every. Single. Day.
What I know now looking back is that I didn’t feel as though I had a purpose. I didn’t see the point in teaching students how to pass tests for a system that was inherently broken rather than teaching them how to think for themselves.
To be fair, I did also try to teach them to think for themselves but most of the time it felt like bailing out the Titanic with a teaspoon.
I had a successful career and all the things that were supposed to make me happy and I just felt lost.
I did what I was supposed to do for my job, family, career, all the things but it was very much just me living on autopilot and occasionally wondering what I wanted to be when I grew up or writing over and over “once upon a time, she believed in magic…”
But I wasn’t putting any energy into myself or my belief in magic. I was really just focused on doing the next thing on my to-do list of being a responsible adult and I largely forgot what it felt like to be me.
The craziest part about the period of time where I’d say I wasn’t making a sound is that everyone around me thought I was fine.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I know how many of you are living your lives on autopilot not making an authentic sound because you’re afraid or because you’ve lost your voice.
I had no idea how much my life could change. I had no idea what was possible for me or how very “me” I could learn to be. How I’m still learning to be more myself and less of what other people expect.
Part of me wishes I’d found thoughtwork and the Model (the modality I use for life coaching) or traditional astrology a decade earlier but I also know the journey from there to here was perfect and I wouldn’t change any of it.
But what I know for sure is that I can be that introduction for the people who stumble into my little corner of the podcasting world and if that’s you - I’ll be here every week to help you find your voice again.
Because I know, no matter where you are in your journey, there’s always more of the deepest, most beautiful part of you hiding inside that’s waiting to come out and join the party. I can’t wait to meet ALL of you.
I also know that no matter how happy you think you should be or how perfect your life looks on paper, it isn’t a true reflection of what’s going on inside your head - and that’s totally fine.
It’s also completely fine if your life looks like a dumpster fire to the world and you’re happier than you’ve ever been.
There’s nothing wrong with you if you start crying for no reason the minute you have any time alone or if you think about running away from home and joining the circus. Life isn’t meant to be all rainbows and bunny rabbits hopping around in fields of daisies.
It’s meant to be what it is.
I truly believe if we embrace how we’re feeling in every moment without judgment and take the time to investigate the thoughts leading to the feeling, we will always find our way back to our purpose and our voice - and that’s when the fun begins.
On to the song that inspired this little trek down memory lane, Every Day is Exactly the Same by Nine Inch Nails.
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Every day is exactly the same
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do
How have you been feeling? If you’re tempted to say “fine” I’m gonna need you to hit reboot and try again. Fine isn’t a feeling. It’s a throw-away automated answer. Nobody ever feels fine. That’s just a way of saying, “I don’t know how I feel and I’m not sure I want to figure it out.” Take a moment and check in with your body and tell me how you really feel? Is your chest tight? Are your shoulders tense? Does your body want to dance? What are the sensations in your body? NOW have a go at telling me how you feel emotionally - because your body holds the key to that answer. If you want extra credit (I know how you overachievers are), what is it that you’ve been thinking about lately that resulted in those knotted shoulders or sudden dance parties?
Spend time with these questions and see what comes up. If you’re feeling frisky, hit me up on Instagram and share your answers with me.
Until next time, my wish for you is that you find your voice, your dream, and your purpose and share them with the world.